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I love 300: Spartans, naked Spartans. Incredible scenery. Senseless violence. Enough said. |
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My horoscope today: The many layers of your personality make you a richer, more evolved person -- but each layer isn't getting the amount of attention it deserves. Today it's time to reorganize the elements of your character and bring some of the hidden ones up to the surface. Let the world see some parts of your psyche that you don't usually reveal. Challenge some of your biggest insecurities, and be proud of your imperfections (they are part of what makes you human). This is just strange...two days in a row of things I have already been thinking about. |
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Today's Horoscope: It's time to focus more of your energy on your social life. Too many opportunities to see great plays, bands or dear friends have passed you by. Before the week ends, you should schedule at least one date or get-together. Whether it's with someone you see every day or a brand-new crush doesn't matter too much. You just need to show the universe that the people you love are important to you. Do not take this part of your life for granted.
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There will always be obstacles in your life -- that's just a fact. Your attitude will make all the difference, so put a shine on your outlook! Whenever you need a lift in life, just remember all the successes you've had. Recall the smiling faces of the people who love you. By the way, today would be a great day to get back in touch with some of those smiling faces. Make a long distance call or two today. So very interesting! |
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I am tired...and bored...and just out of sorts. It has been the world's craziest holiday break ever. I flew home to the States on 13 December and I have been running around ever since. Yes, I had a lovely week on the beach and yes, I had a fantastic night out for New Years. But the traveling in between and all the rubbish has worn me out. I want to fly away to a desert island somewhere, finish this PhD and then collapse. Why oh why can't I just do that?
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What a strange day! I woke up to clear skies and now, at 7pm, it is pouring down rain. But at least I am inside, snug and warm, listening to Palestrina and attempting to work on my latest chapter. Life has been pretty quiet, which is nice, and I've finally started to come to terms with some things. This year has been so tough. It's hard to finish such a big project and look at what the future might hold. I'm quite frightened and I really seem to be struggling to find excitement in being done. So much is going to change, least of all my actual location. I'm going to be leaving a country that has become my home for one where I was born. And that's going to be strange! Work is going well, though, and my last chapter got a huge stamp of approval from my supervisor. He said it was the best I've written so far. I was shocked speechless. It's the highest compliment he's ever given me. I thought this particular chapter was rubbish but apparently not. I feel like I should be so excited and sky high but I'm strangely not. Maybe it's because I know how much work I've still got to do. Still it is nice to be able to put another chapter away for the time being. Only 12 more days until I fly home for Christmas. Then begins the real rat race. I get to lie on a beach for a week but after that it's the rounds of all the relatives. *Sigh* Aren't holidays great?!
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Leo Horoscope for 18 November: If you're worried about upcoming events right now, make sure you don't let worry overcome your attitude. It's important to look carefully at these issues, but don't let yourself become too obsessed with them. The things that are going on in your life right now are just as important as the things that might happen in the future -- plus, they're much more enjoyable. Forget about what could happen, and choose to enjoy life. Why worry until you have to? |
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For once, a meme that really works! The principle is quite simple and is based on my playlist, set on random, on my MP3 player. The results are startling accurate! Opening Titles: Full of Grace, Surfacing, Sarah McLachlan Waking Up: Somewhere a Clock is Ticking, Final Straw, Snow Patrol First Day of School: Ride, Waiting for Your Letter, Cary Brothers Falling in Love: You Never Know, Gutterflower, Goo Goo Dolls Fight Song: Warning Sign, A Rush of Blood to the Head, Coldplay Break Up Song: Wow, Final Straw, Snow Patrol Prom: Last Train, The Invisible Band, Travis Life’s Okay: Everything, No Name Face, Lifehouse Mental Breakdown: Terra Firma (Lara's Mix), Lara Croft: Tomb Raider Soundtrack, Delerium featuring Aude Driving: Bookends, Simon and Garfunkel's Greatest Hits, Simon and Garfunkel Flashback: Curve of the Earth, Beneath these Fireworks, Matt Nathanson Back Together: War on Sound, Grey's Anatomy Soundtrack, Volume II, Moonbabies Wedding: Like a Songbird that has Fallen, Cold Mountain Soundtrack, Reeltime Travelers Birth of a Child: Siva, Rotten Apples, Smashing Pumpkins Final Battle: Déjà vu, So Far, Crosby, Stills, Nash and Young Death Scene: Eskimo, O, Damien Rice Funeral Song: Carbon, Scarlet's Walk, Tori Amos Ending Song: Believe, Judas O, Smashing Pumpkins
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I've still got it! My brain may be dead and I may not be able to form coherent sentences but I can still bake a mean loaf of banana bread. Thank God I can still do something right! I've got vacation-itis. Holy hell do I have vacation-itis. I am leaving on Saturday for a four day holiday in Cornwall. And I cannot wait! My PhD is driving me mad. I can't sit still. I can't concentrate. I want to run away from all that is here and forget about the past year...the past four years to be honest. I just want to relax and enjoy exploring. I feel caged up and I need to escape. To do something. Anything. I've got yoga tonight, which is great as it means I've got an outlet for all this energy. Gotta fix the job applications tonight, too, and work on the chapter. Tomorrow is packing and finishing up the chapter...then it's Cornwall. It's guaranteed to be wet and rainy but I DON'T CARE! I will be away! |
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Urgh. I feel so incredibly stupid today. I cannot translate this Latin passage to save my life. How in the world am I going to get my PhD with these atrocious Latin skills? What skills do I really have? How in the world are they going to get me a job? Will they get me a job? Do I even want a job in academia? *Sigh* I hate this limbo crap. I really really hate it. And it's Samhain. The ending of another year. I have a lot to say good bye to this year, some of it good things and some of it bad. I wish I could close a door on the year that has passed and never think about it again. But I know that won't solve any problems. I did go to a fairly fun Halloween party on Saturday with a bunch of computer scientists. What a hoot! A historian thrown in with computer scientists. It was fun, though, and I confused the heck out of them with my popular culture costume. I went as Holly Golightly as played by Audrey Hepburn in Breakfast at Tiffany's. It was great fun to get dressed up and I enjoyed seeing the looks of puzzlement on their faces. Still, it was a bit strange, too. Of course I felt rather disjointed last weekend anyway and I think the party only added to that. I need a holiday. I just have to get through until Friday and then it's off to Cornwall. Yay! Haircut tomorrow...and I really really need it. Now I just have to get the Latin translation done and some work on this chapter done and I can say I deserved it. Blech.
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"Leo is symbolized by the Lion. You're stubborn yet impulsive. You're also showy, dramatic and sometimes vain. You have a sunny demeanor and love to be the center of your loved ones' adoration. You'd make a great actor; in fact, many actors are born under a Leo Sun. Lions are opinionated and set in their ways. That said, they are well organized, idealistic and have a knack for inspiring others. The great strengths of the Leo-born are their creativity, idealism and leadership. Lions don't lack for ambition, either, so they're likely to accomplish a lot -- and have fun while they're at it. Their warmth and loyalty ensures that others will enjoy the ride as well. While Leos love to be admired and adored, they can also take the lead in romance, since they believe their strength and power will win the day. When the Lion gets going, watch out! The fiery Lion requires a lover who can keep up with them and certainly one who can match wits. If not, the risk of boredom and flight is a big one, since Leo has very high expectations. Leos are willing to gamble where romance and love are concerned, since losing is not in their vocabulary." Hmmmm...how interesting! Here I always thought I did not match my star sign and yet all the above is so me. How is that possible? I never would have described myself as a Leo, and have denied it to many, but what is described is me. It's fascinating! And it brings to mind a question that has been bothering me for awhile: have I been denying who I am for all these years? How did I manage to lock myself away for so long? Because I did. I locked myself away from hurt. From anger. From possible disappointment. But how did I do it? And what changed to allow me to break free of this? It cannot be one person. Who is this person I am now? And what do I do with her?
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But it's also a safe and happy heart. Or so I try to convince myself. I think my heart is black and shriveled. My soul is absent. Did I ever have either? Can you live without either one? It is an interesting conundrum. There are days I wish I could live without my heart...without hope. And there are days it feels so full and I feel so alive. I know these feelings shall pass but right now they feel so big. So sad. So scary. I stand at a cross roads, again. One where I am going to have to decide how to go forward. I need to shed the skin of the past and grow. And it's damned scary. |
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And here we go again... I have spent all day trying to get things put together for the world after graduate school. It has been a long, hard day. After nearly four years of graduate school, I am now having to figure out what skills I have learned, how to market them, how to let go of the things that I should have done. It's daunting. In so many ways. While I have increased my skills since I graduated from undergrad, I still find myself needing so much more than I have learned. How do people do it? How do they get jobs out of graduate school? It's terrifying. I don't know what I'm going to be doing next year. Where I'm going to be. What country I'll be living in. I still don't even know if I'll finish my PhD on time. And what if I don't get a job offer? What am I going to do? My options are not overflowing. It's times like these when I wish I'd chosen a different field. But history is what I love. I've just got to hope (that awful word!) that everything will take care of itself. And now I'm going to crawl into bed, hopefully shut my brain off and just sleep. I'd love to run away completely but I know that's no longer an option. Being a grown up really sucks.
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Why do we hope? What is it in us, as human beings, that makes us hope for something better? Strive for something better? And what does a lack of hope indicate? An acceptance of reality? Or just the knowledge that this is life, we get what we get and there is no point in expecting more? While I acknowledge that hope does play such a role in making life worth living, I can't help but think that it also causes so much pain. It makes me think I deserve better. It makes me want more than I should. It makes it so hard to let go. It makes life confusing. It makes it hard to keep going, day in and day out, with no promise that life will be better. Hope makes me dream. Hope makes me long for things that will never be mine. Hope makes me happy...and unhappy. But the crux of the matter is that no matter how much I hate hope, I still find myself hoping for more. Wishing for more. And it makes me miserable. Is there more out there waiting for me? Or is this it? Am I to be left with all of these feelings inside of me but no one to share them with? Fate and hope...what a horrible combination. |
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Richard Dean Anderson is from Minnesota. I never knew! How cool is that? He grew up not too far from where I'm from. Dude! Now all the Minnesota references in Stargate make even more sense. Yup, no escaping it...I am a geek! |
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It is a very gloomy day outside and it has just started to rain. When I woke up this morning it was so dark that I thought my alarm had been reset. But no, it's just that overcast today. There is a mist that has settled down over the city. The wind is blowing and the leaves on the trees are starting to drop. But it is still warm. Some of the trees have changed color but not many. There is one tree out my window, though, that is turning almost a coppery gold. It looks so pretty against the still green trees around it. I love autumn, it's one of my favorite seasons. I love the bite that enters the air. I love the way leaves smell and the crinkling noise they make under my feet. I love raking leaves on a cold day and then going inside where it's warm. All I want to do today is curl up in a chair with a cup of tea, my journal, a book and just gaze out the window. Let my mind drift where it will. And just be.
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Oh dear. I went out last night. I have not been out in over a month. And the last time I went out, I still can't say what the end result was. Nevertheless, I went out last night. And I had a very good time, surprisingly. I don't normally go out as I don't enjoy drinking until I puke. I like getting tipsy and feeling no pain but I don't like the after effects. Anyway, went out with the sis and two of her friends from university. We had a great time! We pretty much bar hopped, having a drink at one place and moving on. This way we got to try a very wide variety of places. By the end of the night, we had quite a lot of alcohol running through our systems but we were still laughing. And I haven't laughed that hard in a very long time. It was worth it! I am not feeling too badly today except I think I've injured my right calf muscles by wearing silly boots with heels. I don't normally wear heels. And heels with cobblestones is a very bad idea. I'm definitely limping around today! Am tired, though, and just want to sleep. So I think I might. What else do I have to do today?!
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So I finally went and found all my old bookmarks from my old laptop and transferred them to my new one. As a result, finally caught up on some of my friend's lives via their websites, journals, etc. And it makes me sad as I have been out of contact for so long. What makes me withdraw so much from my friends? It's not that I stop thinking of them, the contrary in fact, or that I don't have time for them. It's like I'm afraid. But of what, I do not know. Of them knowing me? Of them finding out what I'm really like? Most of them do know...and they like me anyway. So what is it that makes me keep my distance?
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thoughtful
blah
creative
surprised
frustrated
drained
happy